I was thinking, trying to reminisce, to remember words I had heard that I found to be profound, life-altering, anything that stirred emotions that could not be ignored. Those words that keep coming to mind, come from those who were closest to me. That is not truly a surprise, it is more wishful thinking that they would come from a very different place. From someone with a positive, dare I say, uplifting message.
I have heard Al Gore’s impassioned speech on climate change. I have been in the audience listening to Maya Angelou as she read her poems and spoke empowered words of encouragement to the crowd. There are of course some of the greats in history, Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I have a dream” speech. Lincoln’s “Gettysburg Address,” neither of which I was alive for, obviously. Yet these messages still resonate today. More recently, I thought of Greta Thunberg’s impassioned speech to the U.N. on the climate crisis. I would love to say that any of these have had that life-altering and utterly profound impact on my life that many may dream of and few truly get to experience. I cannot.
None of these have compared to the words of my father. They have stayed with me to this day and altered who I am and destroyed the opportunity for me to be the better person I could have been. I cannot pinpoint one specific barrage of hateful words that came from his mouth. It’s really all the berating and demeaning comments that would come from him for an entire childhood. Words such as, “sissy,” “you hit like a girl,” and more.
It wasn’t so much the actual words, there are much harsher words that could be used. I recall my father cursing, but not necessarily directed at me. The thing that was the harshest of all was the message in those words. The constant reminders that no matter what I said or did, it was never going to be good enough. A “B” in school always brought about disappointment. It was impossible to live up to his expectations, and he let me know it.
I’d like to say there is a silver lining to this story. A message of triumph as I overcame adversity and became a better person because of it. The reality? To this day, I struggle with believing in myself. Everything I do, I don’t believe is good enough. I don’t believe I do enough at work; I am constantly second-guessing myself. I question my capabilities as a parent, and a husband…as a human. The reality is that others see things differently. Professionally, I do very well for myself. I have been married for nearly 25 years, not a small feat nowadays. Yet, I can never rid myself of that nagging in the back of my head, spoken in the voice of my father, telling me that it’s still not good enough. I suspect my death won’t be good enough either, and in my dying breath, I will hear the echoes of my father reminding me how much of a failure I have been.
Tragic Words 